Yari no Ai
by Aen Silver Fire
Summary: She laid her heart and body bare to him. As did he. . .


**A/N: _This is quite lemon-ish at the end, but it does not contain a fully developed lemon. I am pretty sure I can leave certain parts to your imagination. ^.~ Not to mention that FanFiction only allows a certain level of maturity.*cough**cough*_**

**_ Based of and inspired by Harada's Route in the Hakuoki Game. Please enjoy this steamy little story.  
_**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Hakuoki.

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**Yari no Ai**

_The Love of The Spear_

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Thoughts are the lingering shadows of our feelings. But always darker, emptier, simpler. Far less intricate than the mayhem the ferocious power of emotions is able to induce inside one's mind.

But Chizuru found none. Not a single thought towards her much awaited salvation. She knew her feelings stood as a never ending maze she had no hope of seeing to an end. She knew because she _felt _it. She felt it in her every pore that this whole situation was more than her poor, young and innocent heart could handle.

Thus, she decided to rely on her thoughts, on the power of her mind, on her intelligence. But with dread and consternation, she finally realized than the aforementioned power of mind had significantly subsided, to the point of her being unable to locate it; hidden, as if refusing to provide aid to its owner. Why? Because the power of her feelings was too fierce to allow anything else to function properly.

And so, unbidden fear firmly gripped her heart. And she had no way to mitigate its awful consequences.

This whole predicament, though, she admitted, was one too delightful to avoid. Because it had everything to do with a certain red-haired samurai.

The finality of the treacherous results of her impossible love grew strong, invincible roots that very night he confessed. That very night she wished to rid the Shinsengumi of her troublesome presence and the real demons that came with her to plague their lives and haunt them, forever denying them every right they had in normal honorable life.

She wanted to leave. And, at the same time, she did not. But it was necessary, wasn't it? In order to protect them from the destructiveness of her own existence.

Until, he wrapped his kind words around her, making it impossible for her to abandon the Shinsengumi. And _him._

And from then onwards every single breath seemed so deep in meaning that her skull threatened to burst.

**.**

"_How can I idly sit by and watch as the woman I love goes off alone to die?"_

_Those words were committed into her heart and memory. For, at first, they made no sense to her whatsoever. They couldn't add up to. . .anything. Only moments before her heart ached. Ached because she knew that he had every right to choose a woman of his liking and live his honest dream in peace. Away from her demon self. Because she knew that there was not even the tiniest possibility that a man like Harada Sanosuke would choose her, a demon, over a life of serenity. And she was a very weak demon, who brought forth nothing but trouble and death in her wake._

_And as if he could read beyond her sweet brown eyes and take a brave peek into her heart of hearts, his next words shook her very being from its deepest core._

"_I know that I am not a demon like you. I am just a human." And strong arms came to be wrapped around her tiny body, enfolding, enveloping her gently. _

_Oh, but. . .he got it all wrong! _

_It was _she _that did not deserve to stand at his side. She was the monster, the terrible nightmare that had no right to retain a place beside him. It was all her fault. How could he interpret this in any other way? It made no sense._

"_But even so, I want to protect the woman I love even if it means dying,"_

_And surprise, trepidation and puzzlement stifled her weak voice, rendering it forever unable to function. What was he saying?_

_Instincts she had no way of controlling took over. Her small hands pushed against his chest; a vain attempt to push him away. To push his heart away from hers. For _his own_ sake. Maybe hers as well._

_Please… _

"_Why. . . why are you saying such things? I do not understand. Please…" her voice hoarse and trembling._

_His body stilled. And then he moved only an inch away in order to properly regard the girl in his arms. He looked down at her with his sparkling, so warm, golden eyes, that were now veiled with honest surprise._

_He laughed._

"_Still haven't figured that out, Chizuru?" he cackled and struggled to inhibit a wide grin from settling onto his beautiful lips. "You know. . .You spend so much time thinking about other people, that sometimes you can't see what's right in front of your very eyes." he half-accused._

_Chizuru's eyebrows involuntarily furrowed in bewilderment and she pouted cutely. Until he spoke words that took her breath away for good._

"_I am in love with you."_

_Wh- What?_

_. . .This couldn't be. It was a dream. A very emotional, but impossible dream._

_Against her will, her hands curled against his toned chest, feeling and savoring every fiber of it. Every conviction she had for drawing away was now long lost under his golden gaze, in his strong and warm embrace. She made no other move to leave. It was impossible to steer away from him. It was like asking a flower not to reach towards the sun._

_Silence ruled the room. She could feel her galloping heart drum against his own. Her chest pulsating, moving up and down to meet his in desperate need. She could hear the thundering heartbeat inside her ears. And… she could also feel his heart, as if the organ beat only to reach her own and grip it with vice-like, invisible ropes._

_And she would surrender. Surrender her heart to his. If only things did not stand the way they were. Because . . ._

"_I am a demon. I am a monster. I do not deserve to be with you. I cannot." she breathed out, voice shaking._

_Rough hands came to gently stroke her back, sending rivers, an avalanche of shivering waves to cascade down her spine._

"_Says who?" he said and gently smiled. "I don't care if you are a demon or whatever. To me, you are a woman and that's all that matters."_

_That very moment his grip tightened even more; something that only moments ago she thought impossible. _

"_And not only that. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."_

_One. Two. Three. Three heartbeats were lost to her. _

_He couldn't mean it. _It made no sense,_ she insisted. Why would he? This was not right._

"_Or. . ." he hesitantly started, voice laced with fear and uncertainty she never thought possible to be entangled into his characteristic bass tone. ". . .Is it that you don't want me?"_

_. . .What? How. . .how, on earth, did he come up with this absurd conclusion? To believe that she did not desired him was equal to believing that the birds do not fly, that the clouds do not travel, that the sky was not blue. _

_It was preposterous to believe such a blatant lie. . ._

"_I've known you for a while know. And I've never once heard you talk about what you want. If you keep hiding your true feelings like that, even from yourself, you'll end up losing sight of what you truly want." he slowly said, words barely above a sweet whisper in her ears, laced with kindness. And warmth. But also with a tinge of fear…fear for her answer._

_"Just say it. What do you want to do with your life?" he further pressed._

_Her eyes were shut close for an infinitesimal second. And then fluttered open in response to her swelling heart._

"_Can I-" she started hesitantly, fearfully. "Am I allowed-?" she continued. "Can I want you? Desire you? Can I be your wife and stay with you forever?"_

_Small, innocent rivulets of unbidden tears poured out of her being in the same manner as her emotions did. She brought a hesitant hand to wipe them away, but more took their place._

"_I want to be with you." she finally declared._

_Sweet gold classed with an equally sweet brown. She met only tenderness and love into his magnificent, entrancing eyes._

_She felt a soft touch on her cheek. His red lips kissed away the last remaining drops of her incriminating tears. At the same time, his embrace tightened up to the point of posing difficulty in breathing. But, she cared not. She wanted him close. As close as possible._

_Even though he was a human, and she was a monster._

"_I'll protect you, no matter what. So, stay with me."_

**.**

After that, everything was a blur. How they finally left the Shinsengumi. How Nagakura-san and Harada-san decided to follow their own path of the sword. How they established Seikyōtai and acted as Lieutenants under Haga Gidou, Nagakura's old friend. How Harada-san and she were momentarily separated from the rest and moved towards Edo. How Shiranui Kyo informed them of the slaughter her very own father planned to make in order to feed the hordes of his monstrous Rasetsu.

She couldn't simply sit back and wait for things to unfold. She had to take care of the problem that was her, once very dear, Father. She had to head towards Edo and save the citizens from the bloodbath that was about to ensue, for the very sly and unforgivable reason of feeding monsters that long since abandoned their sense of logic. And Harada offered to accompany her in this journey, to put an end to the fallen Yukimura Kodou and his inhuman experiments.

"_But. . .what about Nagakura-san?"_

_He snorted and shook his head."He'll be fine. Besides, if I don't go back to Edo with you, I have a feeling you'll just try to do it on your own. Don't worry about Shinpachi. He'll understand."_

But she knew better than to rejoice at these news. Harada, she was certain, had to accompany his friend instead, and head to Aizu with their troops. He owed Shinpachi at least that much. He couldn't accompany _her_.

She wanted to plead with him to stop trying to make her desires his own. There was no need to sacrifice the camaraderie that Nagakura Shinpachi offered to him for her sake.

After they arrived to Utsunomiya he tried to explain to Shinpachi. He attempted to make him realize that he wanted to head to Edo with Chizuru. But the ever jovial, sake-lover Shinpachi would have none of that in his own innocent naivety. And he passed out only hours ago, after gulping excessive amounts of his favorite drink.

Quite frankly, Chizuru was thankful. That way she would have more time to persuade Harada-san to remain at his friend's side and not sacrifice everything he held dear his entire life. He was still unready to give up, to stop being a warrior. He still wanted to fight, become more powerful and skilled. She knew that, because she cared.

"_You should go to bed and sleep. If you don't rest adequately you are going to pass out during the journey to Edo tomorrow."_ Harada-san insisted and finally she reluctantly agreed.

While silently retreating to her own quarters she passed by Nagakura-san's room. In a rare moment of bold decisiveness, she decided to slide the door open and check if the man had recovered.

She reached up to the door. . .but it slid open on its own before she could make contact.

A small gasp of surprise left her lips, as she came face to face with Nagakura Shinpachi himself.

"Oh, sorry." he apologized and steadily grabbed her shoulders to save her from the probably upcoming fall.

"Uh, no, please do not apologize. It's my fault for trying to enter your room, Nagakura-san."

"Yeah, while we are in that subject. . ." He scratched his head. "Why am I in _my room_? Did I pass out or something?"

Chizuru laughed softly and innocently."Yes. You were drinking and having lots of fun with Harada-san."

"Really?" he exclaimed in disbelief. "Damn, that's pathetic! I barely had anything and it knocked me out."

"Well, that just means you were really enjoying drinking with Harada-san, right?"

"Hm. Oh yeah, I mean drinking is fun and all… I guess I got really excited when I started thinking about fighting alongside him again."

Chizuru could only offer her silence as a response.

"Sano is one hell of a strong guy, ya know. He's crossed swords with lots of people and lived to tell the tale. That's the kind of man I want watching my back in my battles. I can't wait to see how much better he's gotten. We haven't been in a battle together in a long time. I wonder if he's changed." he continued talking, mostly to himself.

A huge, insufferable lump of regret came to settle on Chizuru's throat.

"Taaa, my head is killing me!" he yammered pressing his hands onto his suddenly aching skull. "I gotta go get some water. Don't stay up too late, all right, Chizuru-chan?"

Without waiting for an answer he swiftly swayed off towards the kitchen, hands still pressing against his head.

Chizuru released a long sigh emanating from deep within her lungs and heart. And, before she realized, her stubborn feet guided her straight towards Harada-san's room. She recognized her destination only at the last moment.

She inwardly knew the reason, though. Inside, she had already made up her mind. Nagakura-san's words only acted to strengthen her arguments. She could never allow the man she loved to sacrifice everything for her sake. Absolutely not.

"Harada-san, are you still awake?" her meek voice softly asked.

Sounds of a body shifting reached her behind the closed paper door.

"Hm? Yeah, I'm still awake. Come on in."

And without further ado, she slid the door open and found herself inside his room. At first he smiled, and then nodded to her and Chizuru carefully seated herself next to him on the tatami floor.

"Didn't I tell you to go straight to bed? If you stay up too late, you are just going to pass out tomorrow." he insisted once more, eyeing her carefully.

Chizuru swallowed in a vain attempt to get rid of the lump on her throat. "Harada-san." she warily started. "I am going to Edo tomorrow."

A stunningly fierce veil of silence covered the room. Golden eyes flicked to regard her own plain brown. In an act of shyness, maybe also shame, she averted her gaze. He simply stared at the girl, his gaze still and decisive, sane, steady and collected. As if he knew beforehand what she was about to say.

"I. . .I think you should go to Aizu with Nagakura-san. I'll head to Edo by myself." she blurted out in one quick breath.

He raised one fine eyebrow. "You aren't asking me what _I _think about all this, right?"

She drew in a brave breath. "No." she tried to cover, even relinquish, every bit of hesitation in her voice. "I am telling you what I am going to do."

"I'll be fine." she insisted, trying to push the veil of uncertainty to depart his eyes."It won't be dangerous. This isn't goodbye. Nothing is going to happen to me."

She saw his chest move as he released a weary breath."You really believe that?" And then she felt strong, but nonetheless soft, hands grip her chin and force her to properly regard the man before her.

"Our chances of winning in Aizu are. . .not good. And Edo could turn into a bloodbath at any given minute." he explained, voice steady, but, she knew, filled with worry and sadness."Can you really look me straight in the eye and tell me that we'll see each other again?"

Her conviction started to waver and crumble, abandoning her body in rhythmic, merciless waves.

It pained her dearly. But this was another thing she very well knew. In this world, in this era of never-ending, relentless warfare every day could be the last. Every dream could shatter and fade away like dust in the wind. Especially a dream that ensued a happy, peaceful life, void of sadness, despair and blood. How could she ever retain hope for the future? How could _they?_

"I don't want you to have any regrets." she decisively exclaimed. He still wouldn't let go of her chin."If I stay quiet, I am sure you'll come with me to Edo. But, if you do, that will mean giving up something I know is very important to you. I don't want that."

She paused to let out a trembling breath. He dared not move or avert his eyes from hers. "I'm weak. And so far I've been nothing but trouble to you and the Shinsengumi. I am not worth the sacrifice. If you come with me to Edo, you are going to regret it. It'll tear you up inside. I know it. And I don't want that. Because. . .I love you."

Harada averted his gaze and finally let go. He crossed his arms over his chiseled chest and heaved a long, resigned sigh, lowering his head.

"I think I have told you about my dream of getting married and enjoying a peaceful, quiet life."

He had. So, she nodded.

"To be honest, it's not like I haven't had the opportunity to make it reality. A couple of girls were interested in me, and when I was in the Shinsengumi I was making enough money to support a wife."

A sting of pain cut through her heart. It felt as if she was just slashed by a merciless blade of a katana. She recognized the pain as. . ._jealousy._

"But I didn't. Do you want to know why?"

_That _she honestly did. Thus, she slowly shook her head in an affirmative manner.

"I couldn't bring myself to take that final step." he finally breathed out, voice barely audible. "In my line of work, I can't guarantee that I'll even be alive tomorrow. I can't be a warrior and live a peaceful life. That is just impossible."

She wanted to reach out and stroke his cheek placating-ly, lovingly, innocently. But she didn't. She met golden eyes, glinting with despair she very well knew haunted him for years.

"I have no choice but to pick one life. Only one. Do I stick with Shinpachi and continue fighting, or. . ." he paused to slowly exhale. "Or do I leave and live a quiet life with you by my side?"

Her breath came out in labored, frantic gasps. She heaved a trembling sigh and closer her eyes for a second. She was so afraid. She wanted him to do the right thing, to choose what is best for him. And yet she found herself surprisingly and helplessly reluctant to let go.

When she fluttered her eyes open again, he spoke.

"You chose me." It was more of a statement, rather than a question.

". . .Yes."

"You said that you want to be with me. Live by my side. _Desire_ me."

". . .Yes."

It was gradually becoming harder and harder to maintain whatever vestige of determination and conviction she still stored inside her body. Every word of his ate away at her resolve and decisiveness. Her heart run a race frantic, immeasurable; it threatened to gallop out of her chest and forever abandon her. Her stomach was turning and turning, forming an awkward somersault after the other.

Could she still muster any strength to keep her tears from oozing out of her eyes? She honestly hoped she did.

He closed his eyes for an infinitesimal moment and breathed out in a manner so steel and decisive it almost shook her entire being."I already know what I want. My path is already chosen."

And, abruptly, a strong hand was soon wrapped around her wrist, mightier than a chain; but a chain soft as a feather and hot as fire. He pulled her small body as close to his own big and steady one as much as possible. Now he stood above her, towering her, her body laid defenseless against his futon.

"I am pathetic, aren't I?"

He was so close. . . so close that his warm breath exploded on her face and fanned her hot as lava cheeks.

"I know what I am supposed to choose, but I am still too much of a coward to do it."

His golden eyes bore into hers, infiltrated any secret place she could possibly keep hidden in their depths. A typhoon of emotions was dancing a frantic dance in his orbs, as did in hers.

He snorted lightly."I never thought I could get this messed up because of a woman." he murmured, to himself or to her, she had no way of knowing.

"I've already made my choice." He breathed out and the next words caressed her face, her entire body in such a suave manner it brought shivers to travel down her spine uncontrollably. "I choose you, Chizuru."

She closed her eyes in –still thankfully covered- delight and moaned a –impossible to inhibit-"Harada-san."

His lips stretched into a small kind smile."The more important something is to you, the more you have to give up to have it." he slowly swallowed. "I am sure this won't be the last time I have to choose between you and something else that means a lot to me. But, I know I'll choose you every time. Isn't that what it means to be in love?"

She blinked once. Twice. Thrice. Eyes clouded with need; a need she was still unable to place. When she met his eyes again, they were gleaming, brimming with longing and lust.

"You. . ." her voice involuntarily cracked.". . .choose me?"

"Yes." He did not hesitate, even for a second.

She locked her gaze with his. Golden clashed with almond. When suddenly, a cloud flickered across his beautiful face. A cloud painted with pictures of the life he lived. A life of battle, of thrill, of blood, the life of the Yari, the spear. And then faded away.

"_This_ is the path I've chosen." A bold hand softly stroked her side and traveled north. It was truly a wonder that her body did not give in to excitement. "So, don't you ever think I do not love you! You know what you want. Do not be afraid of it!"

"Umph." An innocent moan escaped her lips.

The dexterous hand, that only a moment ago, touched her torso, now tugged at the tie holding her hair in place. They fell about her shoulders with a soft, melodic swish, also covering the tatami beneath her.

She heard _it_ and shivered in need. Shivered in a way she never thought possible before and bit her lips. She heard the cord of her hakama loosen. And only a moment later his soft lips sensually brushed against her own, making her insides tingle with unbidden excitement. Soon, even his tongue gently traced and tasted her lightly swollen lips.

"Are you scared…?" he whispered into her ear.

_No,_ she wanted to explain. But no words made it out of her mouth. She certainly was not scared. Because he was with her. But she was nervous and excited, and blinded with longing, but the most powerful and overwhelming feeling that now became a stentorian voice screaming in her mind was the unstoppable desire to be closer and closer and closer to him. Even the tightest embrace was too much of a distance.

Even their chests moving to meet each other were far from enough to provide salvation. Even their breaths and lips and tongues entangling with each other could not offer. . .what _they _needed.

She nodded.

"Are you sure?" he pressed. His breaths were gradually escaping in labored gasps. His pelvis neared hers meaningfully. She shivered. "Once it's done there is no turning back."

Chizuru reached out and placed a trembling hand on his cheek. She caressed gently and touched –only touched- his lips with hers. His hand, warm and strong, took hold of hers and pushed it aside, fingers weaving themselves and holding tight.

"Harada-san." Her shaking whisper was scarcely something more than a sigh.

And her lips, the doors of her -now frantic- breath, trembled in need. In need of . . . his own. In need of his lips to touch and seal them with a delightful kiss. He obliged, but this time it was long and passionate, heavy with desire.

They drew apart only to gather their much needed air. His eyes bore deep, deep, deep within hers, as he whispered. "It's Sanosuke. . ." his voice now rasp, beautiful in its give and bass, as it infiltrated every sense of her body. The hair on her arms and back of her neck stood erect with excitement. It felt as if her whole being invited him in. . .

"Sanosuke." She allowed the word to sensually and slowly roll across her tongue, savoring every feeling, every breath, every single moan and heartbeat.

He brought a finger to gently touch her lips, that so suavely just breathed out his name and graced her with a smile warmer than the sun itself.

Eyes closed and then fluttered open again, in order to commit to memory this. . ._fantasy, dream._ So that they would never ever forget this time of their mating. The –not at all steady- sounds of their galloping hearts, the warmth, the uncontrollable heat of bodies pressed against one another. Skin against skin.

As their bodies became one. . . hearts thundering inordinately in love. . .

_Sanosuke. . ._

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**Author's Note**

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Ahm, this was my very first attempt into writing something M Rated. (I rated it M because it is suggestive) So, please be kind to me. I really really hope you liked this. Harada Sanosuke is one of my favorite characters in Hakuoki, second only to Souji. And his route in the game was so rabu-rabu and sweet, I enjoy it with all my heart. It was so cute . . I rarely enjoy scenes like this one *points up*. But the one in the game was so beautiful -in my taste- that it moved me. And then, suddenly, I got the urge to write something about it. I am very pleased that the first M-rated scene I wrote was inspired by Sano and Chizuru. I watched the scene dozens and dozens of times before typing this, so if you happened to have played or wish to play the game you most likely will find a great deal of similarities.

Okay, I think I am half-way done with the recent wave of Hakuoki writing frenzy that kept my mind exclusively busy with the Hakuoki characters lately. But, if you want me to write something in particular, I'd be happy to oblige. You see, my University 'suffers' from strike after strike, so I happen to have much time in my hands lately. Do not hesitate to contact me, ne?

I _could_ continue this, if you want me to. I have a couple of more ideas, inspired by the game too, so. . . If you want more you can **leave a review**, to brighten my day and let me know if my effort was worth it.**  
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Thanks for reading!


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